We have been finding out about diary entries, which are a
type of recount.
 |
| Picture from displays.tpet.co.uk |
This is the skeleton we have looked at, as well as the
structure and language features we discussed too!
If you look at this website, you can find a whole diary
to read online. It might help you with
some ideas: Diary Link
I want you to picture your ‘Perfect Day’! It could be a day which you imagine, or
a day which you have really experienced.
Plan a diary entry for your ‘Perfect Day’ using the
skeleton (we have used this skeleton before in class – remember, use it as a
memory jogger to help you plan).
When you have planned it, write your diary entry as a
reply on the blog.
Remember the non-negotiables!
- Full stops and capital letters
- Paragraphs
- Interesting details for your audience
- Past tense
- Chronological order
Mrs Messa
Sentence Magic
This comment that I am posting is something I imagine:
ReplyDeleteIt's a windy day and in some parks it is very rushy for the breeze isn't too cold. Not many people are going to funfairs because they are scared the will fly off:) One park looks empty and the apple tree's leaves are blowing slightly. The swings are moving slightly and the climbing frames ropes are swinging in the air. All the ice-cream trucks are closed but many people are quite happy about that.
We are walking down the streets looking at all the autumn leaves that have fallen, and we are also looking at the leaves that are still healthy and happy. I see a family with just 2 or 3 people that are having fun and climbing the trees, helping each-other through the way. Some people are outside but are not playing or walking down the roads just enjoying, but they are painting their wall's a bright darkish colour for the days ahead of us. I can see one house with blue and green ribbons covering the windows and balloons tied to the trees, I guess it could be a party, just a normal one, or it could be a birthday party.
I finally decide I would go and watch the band that is playing and The songs are really catchy and nice so I decide to dance along. I can see a few of my friends in the distance so I decide to walk over and say Hi. We ask our parents if we can go to the nearby park, and so they say yes and we wonder off.
There wasn't many people there so we could go on all the play equipment easily and quickly. Our favourite was the Mega Climbing frame because it was really tall,
taller than 7 people standing on top of each-other (Adults) Yep, it was that big!!
We could not reach the top for when we got to the middle we got tired. We went on the monkey bars but some of us didn't make it half way through. After that we went back to our parents and our own business.
By the time I got back the band had finished playing, but it was quite a famous band so I think it was nice to have it free to go to the concert for it was in public.
I had to go home after 15 minutes so I decided that before I went home I would go to this mini store where you could win cool things for free. I won a pair of red sunglasses but it was useless for it was soon winter.
When I got home my sister had already made noodles for she decided not to go.
The noodles tasted nice but after I ate them some skin peeled off my tongue:(
That is a diary entry that I made from my imagination.
Oh right, it's supposed to be: It's a windy day and in some parks it is very rushy for the breeze isn't too cold. Not many people are going to funfairs because they are scared they will fly off:)
DeleteWhat a day! Have another read through, thinking about our non-negotiables. Is there anything you would use your editing pencil on?
DeleteYou got one tense wrong " I finally decide to ... " and that is present tense instead of the past .
DeleteWell spotted Daniyal. Why should it be in the past tense?
DeleteThanks Daniyal for spotting that out:D And Mrs Messa it should be in past tense because it happened before. You wright your diary after you do the thing your going to write about
DeleteHira , on your third comment when you said ' You wright your dairy after you the thing your going to write about ' ... you forgot your full stop after
Delete' about ' and you spelt ' right ' like ' wright ' where you said ' You wright ' .
Quynh-chau Lam
There are some very interesting comments on this post! You've mentioned 'right' (your right hand) and 'wright' (Mr Wright). Is there another way of spelling a word which sounds the same as this? There's a name for words which sound the same but have different meanings/spellings. Can any of you tell me what it is?
DeleteMaybe ' write ' ???
DeleteI would be going to a palace on a very sunny day. I was to be promoted a work contract to be a princess. I said no. But, I didn't take it. I have my responsibilities, going to school. I didn't tell the Queen that it was the summer holidays. I got a phone call asking if I could go to a singing promotion aggenst adults. So off I went. I tried my best. I was going to star on 'The voice' this year, even though it would come out in a year's time. I was as happy as the old duck. Next I'll be given a teacher form. I watched the latest 'Tracy Beaker' for 3 hours. I got some post. I went and checked it. I got a form to teach children in Syria. Oh my gosh, I would have thought. I'm only 9. Well, I do love teaching , heavily. I just guess right. Great things happen to you when you really want it. I also got a leaflet on a free holiday. I thought I should go, so I did. For a day[because it would cost £5670000.97p if it's any other day]. I'm not and I mean not rich. So I packed my stuff [for a day] . I set off to Heathrow airport and got on the first plane to Brazil. Off I went at 9:00. That was my day
ReplyDeleteThis is a BUSY day!! I wonder whether I might be able to be contracted to be a princess too - I like that idea! Have a look through the non-negotiable above - is there anything you would edit or improve?
DeleteThankyou Mrs Messa
DeleteMy trip To Woburn Safari Park
ReplyDeleteTuesday 15th October 2013
It was Eid day today and we had been given the day off school. It was a dull grey cold morning and the first thing we did was we went for our Eid prayers in the local mosque. After we finished our prayers we then set off to go out somewhere my dad said it was a surprise. After about an hour on the motorway we knew where we were going because we saw signs indicating a safari park.
As soon as we had arrived we started driving through the park, we saw Deer and wildebeest, they were both at least 6 foot tall. Wow that’s the size of my dad! The deer were beautiful even my dad had to admit it. Then we drove inside the bear enclosure and we saw one bear who looked rather sad but two other bears nearby were play fighting near the car window. My sister Amina said “Oy don’t break the window, silly”.
The lion enclosure was next and one of the female lions went right next to our car window, we were petrified and there was total silence inside the car. The best bit of the journey was the monkeys. One of the monkeys jumped our car roof and bonnet. I was shocked and remarked to everyone “Get off, cause my dad ain’t going to pay £7 !” There was a new lion called Kasunga he was introduced to the pride but he was a male lion and in isolation.
Next we saw the giraffes and they had black tongues we all said together “ERGGH disgusting !” The giraffe were eating everything including branches of trees and even gates.
Our journey was now complete so we parked in the car park and got out of the car to investigate the rest of the park on foot. We came across a Lemur walk. They looked like skunks, we were very close to them and they were jumping around us, we were a little afraid and one of them even did its toilet! DISGUSTING!
We saw there was a train ride and we boarded the train which took us for a lovely trip around the park. Our next adventure was Swan Lake. As soon as my sister saw the lake she insisted that she would have to go. My sister Amina and I were in the front where the pedals were. The boats were in the shape of a swan. The pedalling was really tough and my dad told me that if I fell in the water I would get hyperthermia.
There was still time for us to do a repeat circuit in the car, which we did. Most of the animals were quieter and less active than in the morning. We did see our first elephant which was more than 12 foot tall. We all had a thoroughly great time and really enjoyed ourselves. It was a perfect day.
What a great diary entry! Can any readers spot the 'non-negotiables' in Daniyal's writing? Daniyal, if you re-read your diary entry, is there anything you would edit and improve?
DeleteHave a look at the 'sentence magic' game (I have added the link to the blog post above).
England versus Australia 1st T20 International Match Report – August 2013
DeleteMy Father and uncle took me to a T20 international match between England and Australia in August at the Ageas bowl in Hampshire.The weather was warm and sunny this game was a day night match. Before the match started the England women were celebrating their Ashes victory. The Royal Air Force parachuted down with the match ball, this was spectacular.
Stuart Broad the England captain won the toss and decided to bowl first because he thought there would be dew which would make bowling harder later on.
David Warner was the first man out, his bat went flying into the air while Jos Buttler caught him out. Then Shaun Marsh came in and Aaron Finch started hitting sixes. Soon Aaron Finch got his 50 and raised his bat. Shaun Marsh started making it hard for the England bowlers and they conceded lots of runs. Next Shaun Marsh was out . Later on Aaron Finch was in sight of his 100, it would have been the quickest 100 ever in T20 history but he slowed down on 94 and just missed out on the fastest ever hundred, he reached 100 and soon he had broken the World Record for the biggest individual score in T20 international history. Aaron Finch eventually scored 156 with 11 fours and 14 sixes and he was finally bowled by Jade Dernbach by the slower ball. Australia’s final score was 248-6, it was the second highest score in T20 international history and it was a formidable target for England to chase.
During the interval we saw famous people,Nasser Hussain, Michael Vaughan ,Greg Blewett Mark Nicholas walked past us as we were near the commentary box and they stopped to signed autographs.
Michael Lumb and Alex Hales opened the batting for England and Lumb was soon trapped lbw. Later on Alex Hales was caught. Then Joe Root came in played well with a thrilling 90 not out . Ravi Bopara came in and formed a massive partnership with Joe Root . When Ravi Bopara thought he was run out he walked back to the dugout but he was given not out by the third umpire, so he had to walk all the way back to the middle. Soon Bopara was out and the keeper Jos Buttler hit two sixes and finally he got out. Stuart Broad hit a four on the last ball but it was not enough and Australia won easily by 39 runs. Another amazing fact was the most combined runs in a T20 and we all had a great time.
Man Of The Match: Aaron Finch for his 156 off 63 balls
I like it Daniyal. But maybe you improved it too much! Its a whole different story!!!! Though, It is really cool:)
DeleteIt's a good second diary entry as well! My stars and a wish are:
DeleteStar: It is well structured - it starts with a brief overview and then is in chronological order
Star: You've used some good vocabulary; I like the word 'formidable' a lot!
Wish: You said at the end that you had a great time. Could you include a few more thoughts or feelings throughout the day? (You don't need to rewrite it - it's something to think about for next time!)
During the easter holidays I went to Disney land Paris. I went to the Eiffel tower there was a diagonal lift we went up to the to the top.there was a beautiful view. We get to stay in Disney land for four days I met my friend there unexpectedly This summer holidays I went to India . I get to meet my grandparents.I went to a beach I get to go in the sea there were really big waves
ReplyDeleteThese are both really exciting events Sudarshan!
DeleteStar: You've used some great vocabulary; I like the word 'unexpectedly' in that sentence - how funny to bump into someone you know in another country.
Wish: Could you pick one of them and write a more detailed recount?
My trip to the emperor's kingdom!
ReplyDeleteOn a bright sunny day, I woke up with a lovely grin on my face. Today I was going to meet the emperor and discover his kingdom in a city called Birmingham. Before we went, my mum told me some extremely appropriate, important and sensible manners.
" Never show your back to the emperor, don't touch any furniture and always stick with your mum and dad, " informed my mum.
55 minutes later, we were in a black and white striped taxi, I pretended that I was a driver driving a motorbike across the street on 1234567890 miles per hour!
Afterwards, we reached the kingdom. I looked in glory and amazement, it was the best castle I've ever seen in my entire life! The walls were so stiff and hard, the guards were looking like a policeman securing the entire castle, and mainly, the palace was like Heaven, the mysterious and unknown place in the clouds! The fresh air smelt like a Feeling the hard strong bricks made my hands get scratched, touching the statue of a crown made me gasp with a delightful accent.
Few minutes after, we met some soldiers wearing big curly wigs; red and white striped jackets and long bullet-firing bazookas.
" Please go in family visitors, " informed one of the guardians of the castle kindly.
" Welcome to the palace of discovery, I would proudly like to introduce the Emperor!" exclaimed the emperor's slave on the stage.
Unexexpectedly, I heard a screech on my right. A gold handle popped up from the
floor; then some people played trumpets royally and eventually the emperor unbelievably appeared underneath the stage floor, it was like a concert!
"Greetings my people, It will be honour for you to explore my kingdom, this is one of my slaves, Marlena, she will be your tourist guide for today, " said the emperor.
First, we visited the basements, it had all of the emperor's top deepest secrets. I thought it was just a room with spiders webs all over the place. Furthermore, it smelt like a swamp and the bricks felt weak and powerless. Marlena also showed us a secret compartment in the basements, it was a secret staircase. I wanted to climb it but she said we couldn't.
Next, we searched the dining room, it was utterly cool! It looked as big as a mansion and the tables were extremely clean, not a spic or span to be seen!
After that, we went to the throne room, we saw all the emperor's jewellery and thrones; his gold bright carpets and his royal pictures.
Eventually, it was late so I and my family went home. My favourite place was finding the secret compartment in the basements, nothing was terrible about it. Today was certainly one perfect day.
This is very mysterious and exciting Ashwyn!
DeleteStar: Your descriptions of some places are very vivid (the cobwebs in the basements sound horrible!)
Star: I like your use of time connectives in the later paragraphs - it shows time passing nicely as you write in chronological order.
Wish: If you read your writing through very carefully before posting, you may spot a couple of small things to change - for example: 'basements' is pluratl, but 'it' refers to something singular.
My perfect day was when I went to Spain for the summer holidays.
ReplyDeleteOne day I went to the beach with my grandfather,mum and my brother.
It was a very hot day,so we went into the water,it was warm!.We went to swim.
I found a baby prawn in between some rocks and I saw lots of crabs.There were a lot of fishes swimming.I tried to catch one,but I was not lucky.
I built a sand castle and even wrote my name in the sand.
After we went to sightseeing in the city.We went to a fun park.
We have such a good time!
My grandfather bought me a huge ice cream,I have never seen !
There was a "FIesta",that means party.
There were giant doll's that they were dancing together,there were"small dolls" that they haves ballon and they we're ruin g after us and other people.
They hit the children lightly but quite harder for the grown up.
We have so much fun and on the way back home,my grandfather stopped on the way and he bought us a bicycle,it was black,it has a silver bell.
It was loud.
What a Perfect day!
This sounds like a great day Yasmina!
DeleteStar: you have written in sentences with capital letters and full stops, and your writing is in chronological (time) order.
Wish: could you organise your writing into paragraphs or sections another time? Every time something new happens, you could put it into a new section.
My trip emperor's kingdom!
ReplyDeleteOn a bright sunny day, I woke up with a lovely grin on my face. Today I was going to meet the emperor and discover his kingdom in a city called Birmingham. Before we went, my mum told me some extremely appropriate, important and sensible manners.
" Never show your back to the emperor, don't touch any furniture and always stick with your mum and dad, " informed my mum.
55 minutes later, we were in a black and white striped taxi, I pretended that I was a driver driving a motorbike across the street on 1234567890 miles per hour!
Afterwards, we reached the kingdom. I looked in glory and amazement, it was the best castle I've ever seen in my entire life! The walls were so stiff and hard, the guards were looking like a policeman securing the entire castle, and mainly, the palace was like Heaven, the mysterious and unknown place in the clouds! The fresh air smelt like a Feeling the hard strong bricks made my hands get scratched, touching the statue of a crown made me gasp with a delightful accent.
Few minutes after, we met some soldiers wearing big curly wigs; red and white striped jackets and long bullet-firing bazookas.
" Please go in family visitors, " informed one of the guardians of the castle kindly.
" Welcome to the palace of discovery, I would proudly like to introduce the Emperor!" exclaimed the emperor's slave on the stage.
Unexexpectedly, I heard a screech on my right. A gold handle popped up from the
floor; then some people played trumpets royally and eventually the emperor unbelievably appeared underneath the stage floor, it was like a concert!
"Greetings my people, It will be honour for you to explore my kingdom, this is one of my slaves, Marlena, she will be your tourist guide for today, " said the emperor.
First, we visited the basements, it had all of the emperor's top deepest secrets. I thought it was just a room with spiders webs all over the place. Furthermore, it smelt like a swamp and the bricks felt weak and powerless. Marlena also showed us a secret compartment in the basements, it was a secret staircase. I wanted to climb it but she said we couldn't.
Next, we searched the dining room, it was utterly cool! It looked as big as a mansion and the tables were extremely clean, not a spic or span to be seen!
After that, we went to the throne room, we saw all the emperor's jewellery and thrones; his gold bright carpets and his royal pictures.
Eventually, it was late so I and my family went home. My favourite place was finding the secret compartment in the basements, nothing was terrible about it. Today was certainly one perfect dayo the e.
My perfect day would be on a little island called Sunland. It is between Africa and South America, it is always sunny so there is never bad weather. I would go for a week with Sofia, Alysia, Zara and Yasmina when we were all 18 or 19. We would go in August because that is the best time. It has lots of palm trees, coconuts, sand, water, sun shade umbrellas,bushes, leaves and sun mats. We would play, sun bathe and water ski. The reason we would meet is for a reunion because we wanted have a holiday, hangout, play, talk to each other and see each other.
ReplyDeleteWhile we were on the ship we saw a huge whale, we all screamed in excitement and fear.I had a big bag with all the lovely food in. When we got there we saw the amazing sun rise. Afterwards we started to explore the island when suddenly Alysia and Yasmina saw a massive coconut fall off a tree, which made us jump in shock. Sofia said"It's as big as the earth."
"I think you're right"I said.
"Let's drink all the milk in the coconut"suggested Zara.
"Maybe we should have dinner and the milk can be our drink"said Alysia.
"Yeah"chanted everyone.
The next day we were all sun bathing, then water ski-ing, and finally we rode on glossy dolphins, it was so much fun. We were all so excited and didn't want to stop playing.
I wish we could do this for real life because it sounds super brilliant.
This does sound 'super brilliant' Leilani, I agree!
DeleteThink about a recount and its purpose and structure. Do you think anything happens in the middle of yours which might be unusual in this type of writing?
Mrs Messa, I have been following your blogs and I wanted to tell you that I am so impressed with your children's writing. It is lovely to see that they take the time and effort to respond in such a prolific way! :-)
ReplyDeleteGreat I like it Daniyal.
DeleteMy trip to Brighton!
ReplyDeleteMy trip started on a sunny day. We first packed our things to go to this place. I went with my family friends and family. We went to the train station and waited for our train,after our train came we went in it. Our train was from Hounslow to Clapham junction our next train was from Clapham junction to Brighton.This nearly took us 1 hour.We played some games on the phone with my friend.Our station came and we got off the train. Me and my dad got some 5 tickets for the Bus we went on a bus. We got down at the last stop for marina sea but couldn't find the way to the beach we asked a lady passing us she helped us to find the way by walk.
We took food with us we ate that after reaching there my mum made tamarind rice. I took a picture with my friends and family. We threw pebbles in the water. We had some fun while throwing the pebbles becuase everyone want's to throw pebbles ahead of other person. After some time we started our journey towards Brighton Pier it took 20 mins walk to reach there. In between we changed clothes and went in to the water only I was playing in water for long time other members felt cold when they came towards the water. My mummy and aunt collected some small pebbles and mussels shells I also helped them the shells were shining.
After playing sometime in water we started towards Brighton Pier we bought some tokens to play there. There was Roller Coaster but I didn't went on it because I feel dissy when that move very fast. I want to go on the Bump Cars but it was only for adults. In the last all family members played a game for big soft toy but we lost it. It was 8 PM then we decided to go home we reached train station at 9 PM in between we took some food from resturant. We reach home by 11 PM.
This was a wonderful day for me! I enjoyed a lot with my family and friends.